This week we watched a newer film than we’re accustomed to, and, for a movie about terrestrial sharks terrorizing the woods of upstate New York, it’s got a surprising amount of heart and surprisingly little irony.
The film was written, directed, and acted by one man. Sam Qualiana. He bestrides the narrow world of film like a Colossus and we petty viewers walk under his legs and peep out to find ourselves watching his movie. But I challenge you to source his “southern” accent.
Anyway, let’s meet some of the film’s characters. There’s these guys, scientists, I think …
They’re probably pretty interesting — oh god!
Okay, well, they’re dead. But here are some nice people …
I wonder what they’re doing — Oh god!
Okay, maybe these nice folks in the hot tub will last more than a minute or two …
Well they must have gotten the establishment phase of the film out of the way. I”m sure these innocent kids having a chat around the campfire are crucial to the plot …
Goddamn. Alright, well let me just say there are a lot of other characters in the film, but they all die. Here are some of them.
and here are some more:
All dead. I would warn you not to get attached to the people in this movie, but the fact is after it spends the first half hour introducing and then immediately killing characters, you get sort of hard inside.
Until you meet this guy, that is. He’s a bartender, and the way he just looks right at you, like in this scene,
and this one,
and this one,
Well, I feel like I kind of just know him.
Anyway, without laboring the point, lots more people get killed, including Cesar himself. Not much room under his legs now. Ha!
And that’s pretty much the movie. I will give it a lot of credit for playing the whole premise completely straight. Asylum could take some lessons from this guy. This movie gets lots of points for heart, and it finishes with the somber, dignified cemetery scene …
Really makes you thin — Oh god look out!
After you’re finished, head on over to our audio commentary tracks page and listen to us watch the movie. Just don’t get too attached. After that, go play outside, but don’t touch the floor — not because it’s lava — because there are sharks in it.