This week we watched “Prey of the Jaguar,” a 1996 film by David DeCoteau, who was responsible for some pretty amazing movies like “Sorority Babes in the Slime Ball Bowl -o-Rama,” “Beach Babes from Beyond,” and “Creepozoids.” I kid you not, these are all tremendously fun movies. “Prey of the Jaguar” is not one of them.
Alright, so this is your standard nineties superhero movie. You’ve got your upsettingly foreign villain,
Your Linda Blair for some reason,
Your mustachioed protagonist (who sheds his mustache when he assumes the role of the hero, because of how clearly symbolic … of something or other, and — Hey! Look over there!),
Here is his insufferable kid. The kid has dreamed up a superhero. Can you guess who it might be? His power, apparently, is not understanding where knee pads go on the human body.
Here are the design specs:
The main character’s family is killed, and he gets shot by an enemy who’s broken out of prison (that’s the guy in the satin underpants above). Here is is getting launched off a roof:
He isn’t killed, though, much to Satin Underpants Man’s chagrin, and so he does what anyone would do — he trains with a martial arts expert for the duration of a montage and becomes the superhero his 6 year old kid designed. Here, master Yi is shown training his pelvis and legs.
Here he is emerging from his sensory deprivation chamber. The wound is never explained, revisited, or shown again. He didn’t have it when he went in, by the way.
So naturally, he’s a superhero now.
One thing I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention about this movie: there isn’t a level horizon in it. What’s worse, the camera is constantly pivoting from one dutch angle to another.
Oh, and they spend A LOT of time in warehouses.
And that’s pretty much it. You know the rest of the drill, guy confronts and kills dozens of people, gets bested by his nemesis and is saved at the last minute by Linda Blair. Finally, in the most inexplicable ending I’ve ever seen in a film, we get these two shots:
When you’re finished watching, head over to our audio commentary tracks page and listen to us watch the movie! After that, go play outside, but watch out for jaguars. They’re everywhere. Actually I’m pretty sure they’re endangered. If you see one you should offer it some help, or money or something.