Ep. 11: “Hack ‘o’ Lantern” (1988)

This week the Rogueriffers get hacky!

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The whole movie is basically a vehicle for two things: the bizarre mugging of Gregory Scott Cummins,

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and the glorious swish, pure southern belle-ness, the indefatigable camp, of Hy Pike.

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It’s about a satanist grandfather who is trying to corrupt his grandson Tommy, played by Cummins. Tommy seems willing enough, but he’s also happy laying around in his sweet room (there’s a beer sign on the wall I think) listening to heavy metal.

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Here, he’s trying to decide between W.A.S.P.’s “Inside the Electric Circus” and Rogue Male’s “First Visit.” He has excellent taste in music.

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This is the band he settles on. Their song and accompanying video video easily makes the whole movie worth it. Although the video is a little stupid, it’s a genuinely good song.

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At any rate, Tommy has a sister (blonde) who has a best friend (brunette),

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a brother, who’s a police officer and a real heartthrob,

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a mother and late father. By the way this is not the look you want to see on a woman’s face after you’ve just loved on her for a while. Then again, maybe it is.

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and a girlfriend who’s also a porn star (in real life), and with whom I am in love. I love this woman.

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This is how she dresses to go to the liquor store:

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I’m pretty sure those are just underpants. I would have her babies if I could. There’s a pretty extensive nude scene with her which would also justify the whole experience of watching the movie.

Things do eventually start heating up, people die, including, sadly, my new girlfriend.  The killer seems to be into gardening tools.

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That guy he killed with the shovel? There’s a scene where the cop brother and a girl he met not an hour earlier do it on top of his body. Here it is (he’s buried a few inches beneath them):

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The movie climaxes at a Halloween party, where the people being killed inside are only marginally worse off than the  people outside who have to listen to the least funny stand up comic ever,

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and watch the least sexy dance ever.

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Another guy in the same mask and cape shows up and the two killers duke it out in the end. The grandfather goes down like a cheap meal.

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But the grandfather wasn’t the killer! Okay, he did kill some people, but he’s not the killer of the most immediate significance. You know, the garden tool killer. To find out who it was for realsies, listen to the podcast, and then head over to the audio commentary tracks page and listen to us watch the movie. You can find a copy on youtube if you look hard enough. Sync it up and riff along. After that, go play outside. Maybe sit by the pool in a thong and a sweater and just be you for a second.

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But don’t you go and join any satanic cults or anything! Remember, “You’re the devil’s son!” Speaking of which, here’s Margo’s drawing for the week. I think it looks like a young Dave, frankly.

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